OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
