honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
