You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
