dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
