we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Are my feet made of real feet?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
