I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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