You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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