I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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