god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
