So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
