Im at strip club and am horny
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
