I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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