Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
