he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
