Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
