Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Can you bring me the toilet please
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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