Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hippo gnu deer
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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