Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
