we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
