God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
