Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
