Need sex. Gaining weight.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
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