She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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