She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
