she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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