Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I look better un-naked...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
