Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
