Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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