Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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