I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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