matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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