If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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