Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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