how can u be prego again
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
