I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
