He uses pillows to masturbate.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
