His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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