if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
