I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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