I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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