I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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