do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
