I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
