my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
