I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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