You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
