swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
