Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
