Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
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We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
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Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
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