he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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