Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
