I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
the liver wants what the liver wants
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
