I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
