i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
