Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
