He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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