I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating