his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
