remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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