hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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