I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
